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Player profile

Adam Porter

Position:       Goalkeeper              

Supports:      Chelsea

Profile:        The Chipstead number one has acquired the nickname ‘Fat boy’ due to his penchant for food of the unhealthier variety. He’ll have you believe that he’s got bulges in all the right places, but we’ve seen him in the showers…in case you were wondering. He’s a good shot-stopper and enjoys moaning at his defence.

Andy Logan

Position:       Defender (left, centre), Midfielder (left)    

Supports:     

Profile:        Athletic left-back, in his natural position, who enjoys getting forward more than the centre-back role he sometimes gets deployed in. He’s our overseas import…from Kemsing…and loves a tattoo along with white boots, more akin to David Beckham, but without the wife.

He’s also the club darts player and you can often find him exercising his right arm in his local.

Nick Johnson

Position:       Defender (centre)    

Supports:      A family

Profile:        Our DJing centre-back who thinks he’s Rio Ferdinand…without the looks! Great in the air on the pitch and a lover of Vanilla Ice off it. Picked up the nickname ‘Dirk’ after showering with the team for the first time and bearing a striking resemblance to that fella in Boogie Nights.

Tom Mitchinson

Position:       Defender (centre), Forward (centre)    

Supports:      Manchester United

Profile:        Having recently returned from injury, he’s formed a strong partnership with Dirk at the heart of the defence. An all-round centre-back who looks languid in his movements but covers the ground to make decisive tackles.

Off the pitch he’s a keen admirer of the opposite sex, although the rest of the team are yet to see any of his exploits. One of his dislikes, along with a number of the team, is Shaunie’s taste in changing room music.

Adam Cannon

Position:       Defender (left, centre, right),     

                      Midfielder (left, centre, right)

Supports:      Arsenal

Profile:        Mr Versatile – has played across the back four and in midfield, although generally finds himself in the right-back slot. Last season he even found himself as a target man up front, a little like Dion Dublin but without the bald head and goals. His left foot’s not his best friend apart from helping him stand up!

A keen golfer in his spare time, and we can see why when he carries a hearty hipflask of rum.

James Mitchell

Position:       Defender (centre), Midfielder (centre)    

Supports:     

Profile:        The team’s high flyer and contracted pro…alright that’s a lie, but he does drive a Porsche. Either plays centrally in midfield or at the back combining good aerial ability with accurate passing. Fast picking up the nickname ‘Makelele’ for his defensive midfield performances.

Shaun Stoneham

Position:       Midfielder (left)    

Supports:      Crystal Palace

Profile:        Thinks of himself as the team playboy with his all-year tan and fashion style. He loves disco dancing at the weekends and has a fetish for brightly-coloured Y-fronts – often worn to the games. A dislike is Paul Watson’s jokes. He’s not the only one!

                   He has a cultured left foot and was dubbed as “not only one of the quickest at the club, but in the league”. A quote we can attribute to Mr E Rawlins, 1st team manager.

Paul Castleton

Position:       Midfielder (centre), Forward (centre)    

Supports:      Crystal Palace

Profile:        A (‘An amazing’ is what he wanted to put) strong and tenacious midfielder who’s never short of a boast when he scores. Nicknamed ‘Chunky’ for his stockiness, he says, and ‘Magpie’ by the rest of the team as he tends to accumulate everyone’s possessions from pants to shower gel.

                   He loves wearing 80s mini shorts to training – the tighter the better.

Leighton Rees

Position:       Midfielder (centre)     

Supports:     

Profile:        A central midfielder who loves a tackle – it’s only up to the ref to determine whether it’s fair or a booking – there’s normally very little in between.

                   Quiet in the dressing room, but that’s because we think he’s just got out of bed half the time.

Stuart Rawlins

Position:       Midfielder (centre)    

Supports:      Tottenham Hotspur

Profile:        A commanding central midfielder, or so he tells us as he’s yet to play a competitive game for the 1st team due to injury. Currently fills the role of water boy / kit man / physio very well.

                   Pretty committed to the club already in his first season by dragging his girlfriend to watch, even though he’s not playing.

James Porter

Position:       Midfielder (left, centre, right)    

Supports:      Chelsea

Profile:        Cultured, versatile and reliable midfielder who thinks he’s in the mould of Frank Lampard, but slimmer. Always seems to have a new pair of boots as he’s forever sending them back (he is grateful, if you’re employed buy adidas). We reckon he’ll soon be setting up a boot consultancy for the rest of the squad.

Tom Wilken

Position:       Midfielder (left, centre, right)    

Supports:      Chelsea

Profile:        A skilful young winger who’s all-round ability is being honed by the club. A skinny lad, he’s gradually bulking up and now doesn’t mind a tackle, which has led to a few fines the club secretary enjoys reminding him (and the rest of the team) of.

Billy Chapman

Position:       Midfielder (right)    

Supports:      Millwall

Profile:        A versatile, tenacious midfielder who’s played in a number of positions. Shows good pace for an old boy (he’s broken the 30 barrier). Aggressive in his approach, always tells the opposition what he thinks and loves a row.

                   Known as ‘Little Bill’ for his statures, he has the benefit of being able to borrow his 8 year old son’s boots!

Martin Bridger

Position:       Forward (centre, right)    

Supports:      Charlton Athletic

Profile:        A new addition to the squad this season he’s ‘the spitting image of Chesney Hawkes’ according to Dirk when he first appeared at training.

                   He’s a quick and skilful forward who says he doesn’t like missing football for trips to see the in-laws in Amsterdam. We’re not sure that he remembers once he gets there though!

Dave Norburn

Position:       Defender (centre), Forward (centre)    

Supports:      Manchester United

Profile:        The senior pro at the club who’s equally adept at putting his weight around up front or in the heart of the defence.

                   A prolific scoring record at the beginning of the season and has contributed some crucial goals with his aerial prowess.

                   Loves winding the Arsenal and Chelsea fans at the club up whenever Man Utd are playing well and beat them. We all can’t wait for Utd to be rubbish.

Dave Wood

Position:       Striker         

Supports:      Liverpool

Profile:        Returned to the club after the early part of the season playing lower level football – ‘it’s not fun scoring hatfuls of goals week in week out’!

                   A strong striker blessed with a great finishing touch and a black big arse. Likes to use his weight against opposition defenders and especially likes winding goalkeepers up.

Paul Watson

Position:       Head coach         

Supports:      Arsenal

Profile:        ‘Experienced and motivating coach’, say the under 9s. He’s always keen on a comeback and happy to make the bench when we’re short of numbers, although the kit looks a little tight on him now! Thinks he’s a striker, but seems to be better between the sticks, although there seems to be a tendency to get lobbed (he’s over 6 foot).

                   A keen golfer in his spare time, he’s not known for his modest attire on the golf course. We’re eagerly looking forward to the next golf day.

Eddie Rawlins

Position:       Manager         

Supports:      Tottenham Hotspur

Profile:        The first team master tactician and motivator. Often delighted with performances, but also tells players what he thinks…and doesn’t hold back.

                   ‘It’s better than watching Spurs’, he’s been known to say, but that doesn’t fill the team with confidence as we’re not sure whether this is good or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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